


Goodnight, Sweet Prince

by Adiaphory



Series: Tobias Funke Inserts [1]
Category: Arrested Development, Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: Adult Language, Character Death, Crack, Crossover, WTF, Weird, crackfic, gay innuendos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2015-02-05
Packaged: 2018-04-06 10:10:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4217634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adiaphory/pseuds/Adiaphory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Takes place in BDS when Rocco and the boys are being roughed up by the mafia, with one minor change: the role of Don Giuseppe "Papa Joe" Yakavetta will be played by Tobias Fünke! He's a mafia boss, for God's sake!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodnight, Sweet Prince

Connor tried his best to console Rocco, who had just lost another two fingers at the hands of Yakavetta's men. The torture was bad enough, but listening to his best friend being hurt, yelling out in pain... that was worse than if he had lost the fingers himself.

"You're going to be fine, Roc!" The blonde twin yelled out over the Italian's own wails of pain and rage.

"You're fine!" His throat hurt and he knew he'd soon be hoarse, but he couldn't stop; he had to do something, even if only to coax himself out of his growing fear.

The three had been beaten, basically tortured, for the better part of the last hour. He had been smacked in the head and ribs quite a few times by the handle of the men's guns. Connor was sure he would suffer from the after effects of a concussion later... if they could survive that long. Each breath hurt, convincing him his sore ribs would be bruised and likely broken by the time this was over.

He helplessly watched between hits as Murphy was beaten worse— his smart mouth earned him even more pain than Connor, who used his voice to either scream out in pain or attempt to comfort the other men being abused alongside him.

Murphy's jaw was almost certainly broken, blood trickling like a stream down his chin from the corners of his mouth. He was too proud and loud to stop himself from harassing their tormentors. "Fuck you, you bunch of pussies!" A loud crack and Murphy's eye would surely be black by the hand of the fat man beating him.

Rocco was worse for wear, fueled by pure rage. Connor was amazed he kept his calm when his ex-coworkers beat him senseless. He joined Murphy in the insults and slander throwing, until he was punched rather hard in the Adam's apple.

Now they sat in the room alone, surrounded by the smell of their fresh, copper blood. Rocco still moaned out from his lost fingers. Murphy sat silently, a clear sign to Connor that his brother was afraid and, perhaps, trying to calm down. He never got around to asking but he was sure Murphy was discreetly praying for help, a painless death, anything really... anything but this.

"You're fine, Roc!" The blonde yelled again as his best friend visibly lost his cool and cried out more.

The dimly lit room brightened a sliver as a balding man opened the door, calmly walking in and heading straight to Rocco. The captive man starred up into his old boss's eyes with all the hate and malice Connor had ever seen in a man.

The Mafioso leaned over Rocco, ignoring Murphy's stream of curses in both English and Italian— he had to be sure his anger was understood. "We meet again, Della Rocco," Yakavetta sighed. "I see you couldn't get enough of being _man-handled_."

Rocco spat blood on his face. "Fuck you, Tobias Yakavetta. Suck my cock!"

Tobias slapped Rocco's knee. "You're hilarious, Funny Man. Why don't you tell your _dom_ Papa Tobias one last joke?" Tobias smiled.

Murphy and Connor exchanged confused looks as if to say 'what the fuck is even happening.'

Murphy cleared his throat. "Dom?"

"Yes," Tobias looked to Murphy. "Dom, like I dominated him!" Murphy pulled at his handcuffed wrists. "Ah, not a fan of some _light bondage_ , are you? Don't you worry, it won't be a problem once I have my _big, warm shaft_ in your mouth!" He tried, and failed, to give a menacing look.

Murphy glanced at Connor, confused as ever. "Can you even hear yourself right now?"

Connor spoke up, "You really should invest in a tape recorder. Listen to yourself sometimes..."

Tobias slapped Connor, "I hear myself fine, silly goose! Maybe some _man meat_ in your small frame will make you hear better!"

Connor looked over at Murphy, their **extreme confusio** n masking the pain.

"I'll show you my _manhood_! My _hard, plump_ _manhood_!"

Murphy struggled in his chair, yelling, "Oh Christ, he's gonna rape Connor!" He flailed until Tobias kicked him hard in the gut, trying to silence him. The bald man’s own face was now contorted in confusion.

"What? No, I'm clearly going to _beat him off_..." Tobias returned to Connor, and Murphy was oddly relieved to see the man hitting Connor in the chest rather than... well, we all fucking know what it sounded like Tobias wanted to do.

Rocco gave the twins apologetic looks, his damaged throat barely whispering, "He doesn't know how gay he words shit."

Tobias' fists were red with Connor's blood, muttering, "Well darn, _man fluid_ never washes out."

Connor just blinked, looking around as if he was expecting Ashton Kutcher to come out and announce they've been punk'd, like Yakavetta's strange vernacular was some sort of joke.

But Ashton Kutcher never came.

Tobias chucked, reaching into his pants, going back to Rocco. "And now you can see how _happy_ I am to see you!" The boys suddenly notice the hard bulge in his pants... Then he pulled out a pistol, all three boys sighing collectively in relief. The Mafioso shot Rocco in the chest, turned on his heel, and tripped over his own feet as he left them.

Connor yelled in agony and Murphy toppled over in his chair as they mourned for their fallen friend. Once Rocco had passed, Murphy struggled to get his chair back up. The twins share a solemn look, Connor breaking the silence after what felt like an eternity.

"That was really fucking gay."

**Author's Note:**

> Title based on a Shakespeare quote, as Tobias would have wanted.
> 
> I don't know why I wrote this but hey, high school was a weird time for all of us.


End file.
